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Dr Fi's problem page for R Class skiff sailors

The R Class Problem Page

With expert advice from:

Dr Fiona Starburst Moonbeam B.Sc, Ph.D, M.D, D.O.A, S.T.D, D.D.T


Fi Replies:

Dear Ian,

Who the hell ever told you the size doesn't count? You really must be a sad old git. The stars tell me he will not come back to you, he will not pass go and will not collect $200. Do everyone a favour and get yourself a bigger prod. I know that once your crew feels 200sq feet of power pulling through his hands he won't be coming grovelling back to you.

Yours Fi


Fi Replies:

Dear Nut,

The solution is only two feet away. Next time you're surfing down a very ugly wave take a large step towards the side stay. If I know your man he will be laughing all the way to intensive care. I would like to address the problem of your upbringing at a later date.

Yours Fi

PS remember to duck

Dear   Fi I never used to believe your letters until I had an experience   that changed my thinking. She was sitting just across from me at   the yacht club bar when she cast her deep green eyes lustfully   over me, my wet suit rapidly got warmer. Oh shit wrong magazine...   Name and address withheld

Fi Replies:

Dear Name and Address Withheld,

No you didn't have the wrong magazine.

Yours Fi

Dear Fi, Of late it seems everytime I go out sailing I end up colliding with a pleasure craft of some sort. My boat has been punctured by Hobie’s, run down by Noelex 25's and generally scuttled by $100,000 launch's. What am I to do I really enjoy sailing but I have had to sell my kidney's to pay my insurance premiums.Yours Di Alisis

Fi Replies:

Dear Di,

It's not your fault it's a simple cause/effect relationship. Boat designers develop something that can be driven by people barely capable of remembering to breathe and as a result R Class’ get broken. My only suggestion (short of suing Bruce Farr) is to get bigger windows in your sails.

Yours Fi

Dear Fi,I fear my crew is harbouring
			deep seated resentment, mainly due to his very unusual upbringing.
			A few weekends ago I sent him off the site for a bit of a laugh,
			haha you should have seen him blub blub bler hkoff hkoff - it was
			a scream. Anyway since then he has been acting strange, and whilst
			at the last nationals he kept throwing buckets of water at me. I
			am hopeful he won't have to be put down, as he is useful ballast.
			Yours A N Assil

Fi Replies:

Dear Assil,

One phrase springs to mind when I think about your sort and it rhymes with clucking banker. You deserve everything you get.

Yours Fi

Dear Fi,			
			Having felt a great deal of
			frustration with my olympic two handed efforts, I made the move to
			share a multicoloured double bed with a friend. We now find we
			have "plateaued" and need more excitement. Would a
			battery powered coloured plastic hobby be more exciting?
			Yours in frustration.

Fi Replies:

Dear Frustrated,

I suggest you R in need of a fResh staRt. You sound like a boRing FaRt (loose the walk shoRts dip shi*t). Get ugly, get even, get R life. Why don’t you tRy a R, they have a long appendage up fRont. They may huRt a bit but you’ll come to enjoy it once bRoken in.

YouRs Fi

Please make your letters no longer than our attention span, generally not longer than the label on a gin bottle . Letters are answered with all the heart felt sentiment of an airline commercial.

Letters without sexual overtones will not be considered. No responsibility will be taken for homicide / suicide / genocide or herbicide resulting from advice given.

These Exerpts are from the 1995 Leander Trophy Programme