Essential Terms Aspiring R Crews Should Know

Jib commands:

1. Ease it - On its own, at the crew's discretion.
2. Ease it a bit - Around 1-2 inches.
3. Ease it a little bit - Around 1/64"-1/32". Never correct first time. Only issued to humour the skipper's frustration at the lack of boat speed.
4. Ease the b....y jib - Command usually issued when a gust is encountered while carrying the maxi kite and trying to make the wing mark in 20 knots of breeze. In order to hear this at its best, it is desirable for the ideal R crew to be fully stretched on the wire with the jib sheet safely tucked away behind the centre case to leeward.

Spinnaker commands:

1. Let's have it - Calmly issued when the wind is picking the water off the harbour and the skipper decided to carry the double luffer.
2. Drop it - Calmly issued while the skipper is standing on the kite halyard.
3. We'll go to weather of them - Ideal crew must now move the pole down to the forestay while keeping the kite filled and adjusting the jib ... too late, you didn't do it fast enough they saw us coming. Crew must polish crystal ball for next downwind engagement (or get prod kite for skipper's next birthday).
4. Ease it - Generally accepted by alert crews as a swear word. For others, this means until the luff is almost curling in. Then you will be told not to collapse it.
5. Eaase iit - 1st warning (skipper is not yet panicking, but be warned).
6. Eeeeeaaaase iiiiiiiiit - Forget the b....y luff curl unless you want to go in the p..s. A collapse of the kite is not unheard of when this command is gently eased from the lips of your greying skipper.
7. Let it gooooooooo..... - At this point the ideal R crew will do just that and execute a nice swan dive into the horizontal mainsail just below the spreaders, thus leaving a safe and clear passage for the skipper to climb over the hull and deposit himself in the dominant position on the centre case.

Jonathan Smith. From the Leander 92 programme.

Rigging the boat

The most important thing to remember when rigging your R is to allow no more than 25 minutes between arriving at the club and the firing of the starting gun. Bring absolutely no tools, as these are much more conveniently borrowed from other yachties just as they are heading for the water with the tools safely locked away inside the car. This shouldn't cause too many problems though, as the the keys will be tucked away in the rear bumper, just under the left tail-light (isn't that where you leave yours?). Step the mast and ensure that the rigging tension is just high enough that the jib doesn't quite reach the forestay tag with the crew amputating his fingers on the trapeze wires out the front of the boat. Take a good crack just under the right eye-brow from the flailing jib clew while you thread both jib sheets around the same side of the mast. Ensure that at least one kite sheet runs underneath the prod side stay, and that the spinnaker halyard and prod out-haul go around opposite sides of the jib sheets.

Jump into your wet-suit, which should either be:

a. Unwashed, wet and clammy from last week, smelling like the cat's been in it, or

b. Neatly washed and dried so that you spend 10 minutes hopping about on one leg trying to get the other leg in - whoops, that was the arm hole, pull it all off, try again.

As you forgot your sailing jersey, just wear the one your mother knitted for you for Christmas. One more day's sailing shouldn't hurt it. Pull on your harness and wind up the tension on the shoulder straps until you walk like E.T. (and speak like him too). Leave the centre-board securely locked inside the car (keys just inside the rear bumper etc.), forget to take off the antique watch you inherited from your grandfather and it's time to hit the water.

Launching an R-Class

The boat should be held by the crew in such a way that his royal highness can step cleanly in without getting wet above the ankles. The crew should then proceed out into deep water, just a little bit further than the point at which all traction with the slip is lost. The skipper can take his time to slot on the rudder, a process that will require plenty of instructions to be issued to the crew on just how to hold the boat steady. Having achieved this, you can pop the centre-plate in the slot, grab the main-sheet and depart. The crew should preferably come along as well. He should leap nimbly out of the shoulder-deep water over the high side of the already-heeling R, straight onto the wire and pull in the jib-sheet while ... NO, LET IT GO, f**! sh%@ f&^%, GET IT IN! ON THE WIRE ... Make for the start-line, ensuring you get there in time to bowl in everyone's way right on the pin.

Language

It's worth deviating for a moment to discuss language, and its use on an R Class. All violent activity - tacking, gybing, starting, bagging the kite, twinning the kite, sailing an R Class in Wellington etc. - should be punctuated by appropriate comment from both skipper and crew. It should go something like this: F#$k F#$k F#$k F#$k F#$k Sh&& F#$k Sh&& ... It must really help, because everyone seems to do it.

Starting

It would make sense to start like this: Approach the point at which you want to start with 40-50 seconds to go, dive round to leeward of some unsuspecting victim and round up underneath them on twins with 20 seconds left, hitting the line at full tilt 1-2 seconds after the gun with clear water underneath you. Do not attempt this as a beginner. It really shags other boats off, especially when they are the unsuspecting victims, and a better way to shag them off is this: Hit the committee boat with about 20 seconds to go, and because you don't want to cross the line early, just bear away and accelerate along the line, pushing all others in front of you. You might hear some language like that described above.

The first beat

After the start, you should be neatly placed in some really bad air. Move well away from your crew and things might smell better. If you don't have a faster boat driving clean over the top of you, take at least 30 seconds to get settled down and twinning properly - there's sure to be someone going over the top of you by then. Everyone knows you have to tack to find clear air, so do this immediately, then tack back in front of a good knot of approaching boats so that they all have to go around your now-stationary boat.

Remember that if an R Class feels comfortable going to windward, you're not pointing high enough or sailing it sufficiently level. Round up until the jib backs, and the crew should ease off the main until the skipper gets washed off the back of the boat. You're sailing it sufficiently level when you can't breath because the water coming off the bow is taking you round the head.

Tacking

There is a fundamental rule of R Class: No tack ever feels like it works 100%. If you've just done a tack that worked, don't worry, the next one will be total sh*t.

Take the main-sheet from your crew and say "Tacking" sufficiently quietly that you can't be heard. Leap into the boat, put the helm down and get caught on the wrong side of the boom by your trapeze wire when you can't unhook it. Meanwhile, the crew should be caught about half way over the centre case with feet tangled in the biggest knot of ropes since the last Hang-men's conference. The crew should also fail to get the jib released. When all this is sorted, the crew should yank the jib drum-tight on the next tack, forcing the boat to heel enormously so that the cockpit scoops up 200 litres of water, and go out on the wire, leaving the jib totally over-powering the rudder and the boat going sideways. Recommended communication during the tack goes like this: Skipper - "F$%k F$%k F$%k F$%k F$%k F$%k": Crew - (calmly from the wire as the skipper struggles in the centre of the cockpit) - "What the hell are you doing?". Such comments help a lot.

Bearing away at the top mark

This is impossible. Don't bother trying.

Spinnaker work

Kite work is simple if you remember a few simple rules. The crew should, as ever, obey the quiet orders of the Transom-Ballast regardless of whether their arms are about to pull out of their sockets. The real magic of course is to be performed by the skipper: When the boat starts to heel to starboard, steer right; To port, steer left; To the front, yell something incomprehensible and follow a parabolic trajectory over the cockpit and head-first through the fore-deck.

If you were twinning up-hill, you should be twinning down-hill as well. This is not as difficult as it seems, as the better you get, the more cash and/or time you can justify spending on buying or building boats and consequently the less prone to nosing-over they become.

There is a common myth that foot-loops for twinning the kite somehow either slow boats down or prevent their yachtsmen from being Real R-Class Yachtsmen. This myth is part of a clever plot devised to ensure maximum frequency of spectacular prangs. If you can get by without them, you must be sailing one of these woosy 30 kg Acid Rock type things. Real Men sail 60 kg of mine-hunting, sub-marining, waterlogged cedar and glass with POLE KITES. Those were the days... If you do have foot-loops, make sure that they hang in such a way that the crew can't get his foot in. If necessary, the skipper can sit on them at the critical moment.

At the gybe, the crew should balance the boat while not allowing the kite to collapse for more than half a second, regardless of the course steered by the skipper. As ever, the skipper will need to continually instruct the crew on what to do next. At the bottom mark, the crew should nimbly leap into the boat and bag the kite before leaping back out on the wire ready to take the main from the poor, exhausted helmsman.

After the race

One simple rule to remember - never be present when the Clanger needs filling.

So that's how it's done. Now it's time to leave your wet-suit in the cupboard and the spinnaker in the garage and head for the water.

Cheers Hemi (Douglas) Royds

If you enjoyed this check out our guide to Nautical Terms

Weather Conditions

• "What's it look like?" Skipper has desperate hangover. Looks hopeful that racing is cancelled. Requires firm but sympathetic smack to the head with the heavy weather racing boom to bring to racing mode.
• "What do you think?" Usually accompanied by pleading look, white eyeballs, nervous stench and whining voice. Skipper has severe cold feet. Show no mercy, say "25 knots gusting to 30. Looks great" and laugh maniacally.
• "Looks like a nice breeze" Skippers glasses must be fogged up, as wind has just lifted all the water from the harbour and is on the way to dropping it in Sydney.
• "Blowing a bit" Roar of wind only exceeded by Skippers nervous flatulence

Sailing Commands

"Out Out OUT" No. Surprisingly not a cricketing term nor an invitation to bail out. Serves no other useful purpose than to let the Crew know that the skipper is smugly hooked up and fully stretched out on the wire after tacking without warning. Implication is that crew should extricate himself from an intimate embrace with the leeward shroud so that Skipper can devote his superior intellect to contemplating a complete tactical plan for assuming control of the race. Crew can safely ignore this one.

"In In IN" Similar to "out out out" but in opposite direction. Skipper has triumphantly found the only hole in the wind in a raging 30 knot southerly and aging legs have ceased to function as boat rolls to windward. The ideal Crew will climb hand over hand along the bungy cord from that familiar windward trolling position he has been cast to, in vain attempt to prevent capsize. Also sometimes offered as encouragement to the for'ard hand at that urgent 'putting away the spinnaker' time from the senior strategic position of the poop deck. Pitch and volume will be inversely proportional to distance from amidships of inconsiderate US aircraft Carrier manoeuvring in channel.

"Starboard Starboard STARBOARD" Another one of those terms that is profoundly useful. Usually expressed in threes and in ascending pitch and volume at benignly beaming and profoundly deaf trailer sailors who like to admire how skilfully those young R class blokes handle themselves in a bit of a blow.

"Weight " Like "out out out" above. Skipper is calmly requesting crew to move from the 'stowing the spinnaker' resting place to the 'lying about on the wire' resting place. Ideal crew should stow spinnaker in 0.5 seconds and leap on the wire faster than Houdini so that Skipper can safely resume afternoon nap.

"Wait " Not to be confused with the above command from He Who Knows Best. Skipper is about to initiate breathtaking manoeuvre at close quarters. Telepathic Crew is expected to know that wait state is at an end when Skipper moves to opposite side of boat leaving crew strangled in the kicker on downhill side. The Ideal Crew should express suitable laudatory comments at completion of said masterful manoeuvre. F@#K! will not help foster that team bond we are looking for.

"Did you remember your gloves? " Usually in the form of a statement. Be warned. Skipper has installed 3mm racing catgut as kite sheet.

"Can you see the mark? ' Other forms such as 'where's the mark?', 'what mark?' and a genuinely puzzled 'where the hells is the Mark?' are all expressions of the Skippers deep desire to win and win handsomely. The well performed crew will respond with a concise and lucid appraisal of your current position, course and relative bearing to the next mark as well as the tactical status of the closest four yachts.

"Ready to gybe " This is not a question. Crew should know that Skipper is thinking about gybing. Occasionally this progresses to the full 'Gybing' but more often than not Skipper is 'testing the water' with the crew. A stoic refusal to respond to this command will ensure that skipper gives away this idea until current 30 knot gust has eased.

"We're going to Gybe " Skipper really means it this time Crew must stop wailing or next command will be lost.

"Gybing " Taken at speed on a flat bit of water, one of the best feelings next to sex or a free dinner on Bowie. Skipper will explain this to you from his comfortable position on the centreboard as Crew flounders in 1 tonne of wet spinnaker from lowly water position while sharks contemplate a speculative chew on those sticky out bits.

"Bearing away " The adroit crew will be expected to ease the jib, lift the board, and set the kite all from that weight inducing back corner perch so beloved of the Skipper.

"I'm coming out " Has nothing to do with disclosure of Skippers jaded personal habits. Skipper in rush of blood has decided to leave the security of the cockpit and join you on the wire downwind. Blank look of terror should be avoided until speed wobbles are over, after all the hardest part is yet to come. Getting back in.

If you enjoyed this check out our Beginners Guide to sailing R Class

With expert advice from:

Dr Fiona Starburst Moonbeam B.Sc, Ph.D, M.D, D.O.A, S.T.D, D.D.T

Fi Replies:

Dear Ian,

Who the hell ever told you the size doesn't count? You really must be a sad old git. The stars tell me he will not come back to you, he will not pass go and will not collect $200. Do everyone a favour and get yourself a bigger prod. I know that once your crew feels 200sq feet of power pulling through his hands he won't be coming grovelling back to you.

Yours Fi

Fi Replies:

Dear Nut,

The solution is only two feet away. Next time you're surfing down a very ugly wave take a large step towards the side stay. If I know your man he will be laughing all the way to intensive care. I would like to address the problem of your upbringing at a later date.

Yours Fi

PS remember to duck

Fi Replies:

Dear Name and Address Withheld,

No you didn't have the wrong magazine.

Yours Fi

Fi Replies:

Dear Di,

It's not your fault it's a simple cause/effect relationship. Boat designers develop something that can be driven by people barely capable of remembering to breathe and as a result R Class’ get broken. My only suggestion (short of suing Bruce Farr) is to get bigger windows in your sails.

Yours Fi

Fi Replies:

Dear Assil,

One phrase springs to mind when I think about your sort and it rhymes with clucking banker. You deserve everything you get.

Yours Fi

Fi Replies:

Dear Frustrated,

I suggest you R in need of a fResh staRt. You sound like a boRing FaRt (loose the walk shoRts dip shi*t). Get ugly, get even, get R life. Why don’t you tRy a R, they have a long appendage up fRont. They may huRt a bit but you’ll come to enjoy it once bRoken in.

YouRs Fi

Please make your letters no longer than our attention span, generally not longer than the label on a gin bottle . Letters are answered with all the heart felt sentiment of an airline commercial.

Letters without sexual overtones will not be considered. No responsibility will be taken for homicide / suicide / genocide or herbicide resulting from advice given.

These Exerpts are from the 1995 Leander Trophy Programme

The R-class squadron, normally a bastion of sportsmanship and comradeship, has never seen a scandal quite like this. In a move reminiscent of the big-budget, win at all costs tactics of America's Cup teams, secret design documents have been stolen from the R593 Liquid R-class team. These highly technical and detailed design documents show the details and results of recent secret design developments undertaken by the Liquid team during the winter season.

www.rclass.org cannot disclose the source of these documents, or how they were obtained. In the interests of the class, and upon consultation with our lawyers, we have decided to publish them on this website for all to see. This demonstrates our commitment to a policy of openness, particular to this high-performance development class.

See the Secret Plans

Sending big respect to Sean, particularly thanks for researching and finding the new pre start assembly, you are the man!

The Pundits are already saying that Gryphon could be the one to watch this coming season particularly as she is already ready to go, as I write this, three weeks before opening.

The crew are in good shape. Head-Bleeder has been bulking up over the winter and Asti hasn't lost any of his condition since last season.

Looking to mix it with you all this season and go for those early points.

Three of the contenders for victory on Saturday were severely damaged by unmarked rocks. Makes a change from the usual method of inflicting damage on a defenceless R Class. Most previous incidents have been via unprovoked attacks from 16foot GRP King Size Double beds (ie Hob$# 16s - need I say more!).

Liquid, Chemical Weapon and 92MoreFM were all seriously damaged after each hitting a different rock. Liquid had dropped their kite, so their damage was not as severe as the other two. One would think that Liquid with their onboard "Sonar Expert", Steve "The Gannett" Fortune, would not get themselves into these sort of difficulties. Mind you... Matt Stetchman, Liquid, and Grant "Nelly" Nelson, 92 MoreFM, had a similar incident several years ago (in Acid Rock) although it was a different unmarked rock.

Fortunately Chemical Weapon did not explode on impact, although the hull integrity was compromised. Steve had to hold the centreboard in the middle of the boat as the casing was shattered. An environmental catastrophe is unlikely, as presumably any toxic materials were contained within the lads wetsuits.

Gryphon's Philip "Asti" Royds later said "I feel so guilty, I knew it was there but never thought to say anything". The three boats are consulting their lawyers.

A letter will also be send to the council suggesting:

• every rock that could possibly present a danger to an R Class, have an individual marker. Or
• the entire reef should be surrounded by a "Beware of the reef" fence.
• Three triangles and a light are clearly inadequate for signalling the presence of underwater hazards - the safety of the R Class squadron does not seem to be a priority to the harbours controlling authority.

We are also making suggestions that some of the shallower parts of the harbour, eg Governors Bay and Charteris bay, have "Cartwheels should be avoided in this area" signs erected, after the infamous Meridian Energy core sample from the 1999-2000 season. This event occurred when Meridian Energy extracted a large sample of the harbour mud with their prod.

This brings issues of violations of the Resource Management Act and environmental impact and whether the R Class squadron have appropriate mining licences. We will be consulting resident environmental expert Dan Wise (Gryphon) on this.

We have formed a Commission of Inquiry to look into the major issues.

These include:

• Are the R Class navigators adequately trained.
• Compulsory carrying of appropriate equipment eg depth sounders and charts. (Some of the skippers obviously seem to think a centreboard is an adequate sounding device. Ed.)
• Inadequate manning - The reduction of manning (down from 3 - 4 crew in the good old days) is leading to the overworking of the crews.
• Decision making skills - we need to do better than - "It looked ok" or "There wasn't any obvious seaweed" or "S@#t - what was that"
• Course setting. - Is it wise to use the big light thing on top of the reef as the bottom mark?
• What effect will these incidents have on Spot Carbon Prices

Hopefully they'll all be back on the water for next Saturday.